The Rocky Christmas
by Mr. Towel
Summary: a crossover with discworld,
1. A midnight marauder

YAY, hello readers and welcome to my first Artemis Fowl Fanfic. Hopefully It'll be good, but who can say, for Boo, my entirely random muse is writing it, and I'm not sure whether it is possible for him to be serious.  
  
*Thank you one and all, Bob, his other Muse is arriving home at Christmas, and will be writing the second chapter, he is far more serious than me, but if you like what I've written PLEASE review, then I can write the rest, o and its after eternity code*  
  
*So, on with the story, o yeah first, neither I nor towlieman*  
  
(I'm keeping my identity secret for now)  
  
*Owns Artemis Fowl, or anything else you might recognize, including words, phrases and letters*  
  
***************************************************  
  
It was the night before Christmas, and all through the house,  
  
Nothing was stirring,  
  
Not even a mouse  
  
As the boy went to his window,  
  
He looked out and sighed,  
  
"I wonder what Sann D'Klass Has brought me tonight."  
  
He frowned, puzzled; "That's strange, why did I say that, it's pronounced 'Santa Claus' and I know he doesn't exist anyway, why does that remind me of something. Probably nothing, I'll search the Internet tomorrow."  
  
Artemis changed into his pyjamas and got into bed, soon he was asleep, with the fire burning happily in its grate.  
  
Just as the clock chimes midnight, the, now almost extinguished, pile of embers start to shift, if you could put your ear to the floor you could hear a chewing sound. The embers shift, and you can make out a pair of beady little eyes. The eyes start to rise, as the embers fall apart, and If you look closely, a dark shape surrounds them, though the figure is less than a meter tall. The figures head shrinks with an audible snap. It walks over to the Christmas tree where he lays a small packaged item on top of the already huge mound of presents.  
  
Then it pads back to the fireplace and disappears, followed by flames shooting out of the fireplace with a "WHUMPH" which woke Artemis up again.  
  
___________________________________________________  
  
*So how did I do?* Okay, some reviews are in, a lot more than I expected just for the first chapter, and Boo, either you're really good, or Arty Fowl is a set of fanfics with more reviewers than Discworld or the Italian job, but any way they seem to like it, Bob will write the next chapter, and the reviewers can pick the muse they want, and that one shall carry on the rest of the story. (yes, I know it's a shorty, but watcha gunna do?) 


	2. ITS CHRISTMAS

*YO YO YO, Bobs in da house, this is my chapter, now reviewers; please decide whose you like better. ~ signifies a flash back.*  
  
I've changed it a bit, it is now a cross over, hopefully with some good results  
  
*So, on with the story, o yeah first, neither I nor towlieman owns Artemis Fowl, or anything else you might recognize, including words, phrases and letters* ***************************************************  
  
Artemis looked round the room, every thing was normal, apart from some singed holly, so he went back to sleep.  
  
The next morning, he woke up and started to unwrap his presents, there was a paper shredder, a pile of leaves, (his cousin was slightly insane) and a home gymnasium. He looked at the tag on the last, and smallest present.  
  
Dear Artemis, um, I couldn't resist looking, great idea, ha, you probably have no idea who I am when you read this, but you will soon enough, it's already to go into your computer, but what ever you do, DISCONNECT IT FROM THE INTERNET FIRST, that means physically rip out the modem wire from the wall, firewalls can't save you. Pull out the network card, believe me, you don't want Foaly finding out.  
  
Artemis gasped, "Foaly"  
  
~ 'Press the conference button. Yellow. A circle with lines shooting out, like the sun. Do you see it?'~  
  
Artemis shook his head, he read the name again, "Foaly."  
  
~ "We found a ***** file waiting to be delivered."~  
  
~ "More **** files." ~  
  
Artemis found himself speaking, lost in the memory. "I had to try, I'm sure you understand." ~ "Nothing else you want to tell us about?"  
  
"Nothing. You're too clever for me."  
  
~ "the virus will monitor your system for a further six months, just in case you have outwitted us somehow." ~  
  
"I won't" Artemis hesitated. ""I won't remember it anyway."  
  
The memory had faded again; all he could remember was the words and impression of horseyness, someone had made him forget something, a lot. What was that word, he couldn't remember, he was sure it was the key to the whole puzzle, he pulled out one of his new presents, he hadn't connected any network capabilities to it yet, and it required a wire to connect to the internet. With out reading the rest of the note on the top of the gift, he unwrapped it, it was a CD, he slotted it into the drive, and read the rest of the note while doing so;  
  
Ha, that's probably triggered something, I'll be back tomorrow night to talk to you good and proper, make sure you remember it all, well thanks for getting me out of prison.  
  
~the day after *****'s arrest.~  
  
"I have not finished with you yet."  
  
The name remained outside his grasp, he turned his eyes down to the note again.  
  
Well, see you soon,  
Mulch  
  
"I have not finished with you yet Mulch Diggums!!"  
  
He was starting to remember, he looked at the screen.  
  
There was a document called read me first.doc, he opened it up;  
  
Well, Artemis, hi, I have no idea what you are like, but soon, I'll be back, and you will be stronger, for being complete, understand? No of course not. If you're reading this then, well it's complicated to explain, if you are reading this, then I have been unable to prevent the course of events that I knew must take place. First off, I'll begin by explaining who I am, and when I'm done, move on to the next document and so forth, then you shall be whole again.  
  
Who am I? I suppose you could say I am dead, now any way.  
  
(The Op center)  
  
"Root, Holly!!!! get your asses in here right now!!" Root put down his cup of nettle tea, this was serious, Foaly almost never called him by his first name, he legged it to the Ops booth  
  
The door opened and Root walked in, "Foaly, what's the matter."  
  
"Fowl, he's.. No time to explain, where's Holly?"  
  
"She's out on a recon flight, you know, the strange happenings around the edge of town."  
  
"I don't care, bring her in, NOW!!!"  
  
"FOALY, NEVER TALK TO ME LIKE THAT AGAIN, I AM THE COMMANDER, NOT YOU, civilian, and besides, you can do it much easier than me."  
  
Root's face went bright red, this was completely out of character for the centaur.  
  
Foaly picked up the microphone, and yelled down it,  
  
"Holly, get in here as quickly as possible for a briefing for a mission to the surface."  
  
(The caverns on the edge of town)  
  
"ARGH"  
  
The centaur almost deafened her.  
  
"Not so loud Foaly, calm down, this is fascinating, the rock, it's, it's moving."  
  
¬Radio¬ "I don't care if it's dancing the hokey pokey, get in here NOW!!!"  
  
Ah, this was more familiar; it was commander Root, "Right on sir."  
  
(Artemis' bedroom)  
  
Though I am not truly dead, I no longer exist, though if I know Mulch  
  
"Something he ate" ~ said Artemis, and squeezed the joint. ~  
  
He's started to bring me back with a few well-placed words.  
  
"What do you want sir?" asked Holly between gasps of breath, she'd just flown all the way in under a minute.  
  
"Foaly will explain." Said Root behind one of his noxious cigars.  
  
"When I wiped the memory of our favourite mud boy, I made a copy of his memories, and I've just had a chance to look at it, come with me, quickly."  
  
Foaly started hurrying towards the pod bays and Root and Holly struggled to keep up.  
  
"What's this got to do with us now?"  
  
"Well, one of his last memories was giving Mulch Diggums a CD, disguised as a gold medallion."  
  
"Holy Frond."  
  
"Exactly, we're in deep Frond unless we can stop Artemis seeing that disc, and guess what?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Our favourite reprobate, after committing no crimes for six months, and escaping jail, last night, took a shuttle to the surface last night. More specifically, Tara."  
  
"Again, Holy Frond."  
  
"Exactly."  
  
They arrived at the pod bay.  
  
Luckily there is a magma flare in two minutes, and this chute is the second closest one to Artemis' house, now, you will be underwater part of the way, and there won't be a station on top, so you can test out my new wing design."  
  
"For the third time, Holy Frond."  
  
"It's not that bad, you stand on this platform, with the wings on, press this button, and 'voila'."  
  
The wings wrapped around Holly and slotted into the base, forming a pod.  
  
"Slap the Big Red button, and the platform disengages, and the wings open up, this is now the fastest way to the surface known to fairy. Stand back everyone."  
  
The chute door span in to place, locking, the egg with holly inside headed down the rails  
  
Any way, I digress, my name, is Artemis Fowl the second, and my mind will be wiped by the centaur Foaly, well, from your point of view, this has already happened.  
  
Artemis, started to copy the disc, he didn't know why, but he thought it would be a good idea.  
  
The flares fired, and Holly was sent catapulting up the shaft, through layers of water, then finally into the sky.  
  
Go to our bed; feel under the side exactly 1 metre from the headboard with the picture of the fairy.  
  
~A computer screen, with a book on it, THE book, the book that Artemis had spent days translating, it was there~ Now read and I should return, if not, enough of the documents here shall give you my memories back.  
  
Carry me always, carry me well. I am thy teacher of herb and spell. I am thy link to power arcane. Forget me and thy magic shall wane.  
  
****** Holly hit the BRB. ******  
  
~A helmet on the ground~  
  
Ten times ten commandments there be.  
  
**** The wings unfolded, she sped at top speed to the cost of Ireland. ****  
  
~A figure massaging its ears~  
  
They will answer every mystery.  
  
~a bed banging into a new layer of concrete  
  
Cures, curses, alchemy.  
  
~ "They're experimental. The ancient warlocks used to be able to turn lead into gold, according to the Book, but the secret was lost." ~  
  
These secrets shall be thine, through me.  
  
~A silvery dart fired towards the figure. ~  
  
The new copy of the disc popped out of the laptop, Artemis ignored it.  
  
*** Fowl manor, the fairy slowed down and circled the building ***  
  
But, fairy remember this above all.  
  
~Wine English~  
  
"Irish actually."  
  
I am not for those in mud that crawl. ~Mud-boy~ ~Mud-man~ ** A window. A laptop. "Mud boy?" Oh shit, he's reading it. ** ~Mud-maid~  
  
And forever doomed shall be the one.  
  
~ "How did you know my name?" ~  
  
"If you would where. a nametag."  
  
Who betrays my secrets one. * She took aim * ~Captain~ by ~Short~ one.  
  
"Holly!!" The laptop exploded. ___________________________________________________  
  
*So how did I do? * Okay, some reviews are in, a lot more than I expected just for the first chapter, and Boo, either you're really good, or Arty Fowl is a set of fanfics with more reviewers than Discworld or the Italian job, but any way they seem to like it, Bobyou better wait for reviews cos I aint making this decision, and the reviewers can pick the muse they want, and that one shall carry on the rest of the story. 


	3. Rocking beneath the ground

Decided it was time for an update, any way, here goes  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
(LEP headquarters)  
  
"So, Foaly, why were you looking at that mud boys brain any way?"  
  
"Well, to tell you the truth, I kind of missed him."  
  
"What?"  
  
Shouted commander Root, spitting out his cigar.  
  
"Phsyc, I was just trying to solve this new problem."  
  
"Which one?"  
  
"The rocks that move by themselves? I thought you sent Holly to check that out!?"  
  
"Oh, that legend, I was just showing the community we care, and remember that surprise birthday party Trouble was throwing her? I was supposed to get her out of the way."  
  
"Oh, yeah, any way, I was checking the mud-boy's brain, for anything to try and simulate his help, without revealing us, if Holly fails, then he can help us, before he forgets us again."  
  
"Foaly, remember the book, if fairy, mud man, should defeat, then anything he regains, is his again to keep, that includes memories."  
  
"Oh, well, we'll have gained our mud-contact back."  
  
"Foaly, I seem to remember, you had a certain theory on Mulch's escape."  
  
"Um."  
  
Foaly looked at the data on his screen, it said it there, in blue and green. He did like the little reprobate, even if he was a menace to society.  
  
"Well."  
  
"Spit it out donkey boy!!"  
  
Root was starting to glow red again. Foaly looked at the computer screen, and pressed the delete key.  
  
"You're not going to like this, but Fowl didn't do it." 


	4. I see no flares

Boo: well finally, I expect the readers were begging to wonder where you had got to.  
  
Me: I was having difficulty thinking of a way to get to what I wanted to do, but you know the old saying, procrastination makes fanfiction grow longer.  
  
Bob *looking up from typing the fanfic*: what he means, is that he's trying to do work, but instead decided to work on this piece of garbage, and who has to do all the work? It's Muggins here, that's who.  
  
Me: anyway. here you go  
  
Oh, and *gongs sound* I DO NOT OWN ARTEMIS FOWL, so don't sue me  
  
Please?  
  
Oh and **=static  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
(Back at the mansion)  
  
"So. Holly. Long time no see."  
  
"Cram it mud boy"  
  
Holly started fiddling with her helmet, why did those damn Magma flares come at such inconvenient times?  
  
***** (LEP headquarters)  
  
tsch- "Foaly come *n"  
  
"Oi centaur, what was that?"  
  
Foaly looked over from the circuit board he was fiddling with.  
  
"Sounds like Holly's trying to radio in, the magma flares must be acting up."  
  
The centaur clip-clopped over to the receiver.  
  
"Reading you Holly."  
  
"G*t the mudb* *ere has Re**ined his meori**"  
  
"D'arvit"  
  
Foaly swore.  
  
Root's eyes opened as wide as the moon, and he grabbed the microphone.  
  
*** (The surface)  
  
"Sh***, I thi*k you be**er get down ****, an* bring the mud bo* as well, we're ***** ** **** *** br****.."  
  
It cut off, the magma flares had increased too much for conversation, then the radio sparked up again.  
  
"sh**tl* w**ting *t Tara******"  
  
Then it was gone again.  
  
"Okay Mud boy, you're coming with me."  
  
Holy put a harness round Artemis' chest.  
  
"Where are we going? Tara I presume. I often wondered where exactly theentrance to E1 was."  
  
"Keep wondering, Mud boy"  
  
Holly turned her mesmer on.  
  
"Now sleep. All this deduction is wearing me out."  
  
*** (Meanwhile, back at the LEP headquarters.)  
  
"Hey Julius, what's the deal?"  
  
Asked Foaly, looking up, then;  
  
"Uh, Oh, I guess it weren't the magma flares."  
  
********************************************************************  
  
Mwahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahah  
  
Stay tuned, and review, cos until I get a certain number, I'm not updating.  
  
*Twirls a cloak and disappears in a flash of smoke*  
  
Boo: He's just bluffing, he'll be updating next time he has some work to do  
  
My voice (echoing from somewhere in the room): Quiet shoo.  
  
*Boo then disappears as well* 


	5. TROLLS!

I don't own arty fowl, okay, here it is, the one I've been promising, the big one. Again it was born of the seeds of procrastination.

*********************************************************************

Holly landed at Tara with the sleeping mud-boy wrapped in camo-foil.  As soon as she went passed the front desk she was surrounded by a small army of shuttleport-workers:

"You can't bring him down here!!"

"Think of the panic!!!"

"Think of the children, won't somebody please think of the children!?!?!?!?" (A.N. There's always one)

"Holly flashed her badge.

"I am bringing him through, I have clearance from commander Julius Root."

At this the fairies in the terminal fell in to such a deep silence it was like the opposite of an explosion.

One, stepped forward.

"Captain, haven't you heard?"

"She hasn't…"

Holly interrupted, she was getting impatient.

"Tell me this instance before I remove the lot of you from obstructing me in the course of my duty!!"

With these words she brought her neutrino out of her holster, spun it a couple of times, to look impressive, and stuck it to the head of the nearest fairy.

"Um, Commander Root, the council, and the centaur Foaly, and, well actually most of the LEP…"

"Spit it out!"

"They're dead Ma'm."

Holly's face dropped.

"Dead… they can't be dead…"

her pistol fell from her hand, her arm fell to her side.

"They can't…"

She couldn't believe this.

"Julius, Foaley, Trouble dead?"

"Well captain, we have no actual proof that they are dead."

Holly was lived; she grabbed the nervous sprite and aimed her hidden second Neutrino at the sprites wings.

"Then why did you tell me they are you d'arvitting daughter of Frond and Chix ***** Verbil?!?!?!" 

"Well, um, miss, ma'm, the police Plaza, it was destroyed miss, um, cave trolls.  The few on patrol are searching the wreckage now."

Holly put down the nervous sprite.

"What's a… cave troll?"

"They're massive, bigger like that myth, you know, the butler…"

Holly would have laughed had she not been so worried.

"And they're made completely out of stone, they just demolished it, two came out of the shadows, first they attacked the northern tower, then the southern one, and then they both collapsed.  They're almost certainly dead.  You're the highest ranking LEP officer around, Ma'm."

Holly thought for a second, the only way any sense could be made of this, was if someone started giving orders, she looked around for a minute or two, and then…

"Civilians, get a shuttle ready to go underground, when we're down, start bringing up your maintenance crews, get a message to whoever's commanding the search teams, tell them to lock off Haven. Then get your crews repairing the fairy forts around this countryside. While this is going on send your most gifted mesmeriseres to Fowl manor. There should be 2 mud-people, a big man, and a small female.  DO NOT, and I repeat DO NOT underestimate them, use the mesmer as soon as possible, I need them brought down."

"WHAT!?!"

"That's an order, I'm deputising the entire miserable lot of you."

The various fairies started to scatter, apart from one:

"Where's your author…?"

"I'll give you 3 seconds to find someone higher ranking than me. 1. 2. 3. No-one? Well then GET TO IT DEPUTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"You know, multiple exclamation marks is a sign of insanity."

Holly whirled around; Artemis had been watching the whole thing.

"I should really say congratulations on the promotion.  But I guess it won't do much for you.

"What's that in your hands?"

"It's a book.  I had just unwrapped it when you so rudely kidnapped me."

"Right, then lets get down to Haven then.  MOVE IT MUD-BOY!!"

Her cheeks were starting to glow red.  As they boarded the shuttle to leave the surface Artemis remarked:

"Looks like you've found your inner-Root then."

Holly said nothing.

******************************

The shuttle touched down in the inner Haven landing bay, recently promoted lance-corporal Grub met them at the arrivals desk.

"Holly, we've found Foaly, he dived into the bomb proof ops centre just before they attacked, you know, you'd have thought they'd have recalled me after my defeat of Butler, but know."

"Shut it lance-corporal, just tell me the facts!"

"Uh, yes acting-commander, any way, from what Foaly's told us, Root was standing by the window when the trolls attacked, but didn't get into the booth in time.  We haven't found him, or Trubsey, or any of the others, you'd have thought that we'd have found some bodies or something.  No need to worry acting-commander, I reckon a warlock teleported them out in time, and just hasn't told us."

Neither Holly nor Artemis wanted to crush the younger Kelp's hopes of finding his brother, though Holly almost had to hold back a snort of laughter at the nickname.  Almost, but not quite, she didn't quite feel the need to laugh anymore.

            The three walked through the city, past the abandoned buildings, to the piles of rubble that had once been the twin towers of the LEP Central Police plaza, the circular ops booth raised out of the rubble in its purple, neon glory, now the entirety of the police headquarters.

"Without the LEP, daemons have been causing trouble around the city."

Grub then thought about what he'd just said, then collapsed in a puddle of tears.

"He's not coming back, is he Holly?"

The ex-captain looked into the tear-stained face of the lance corporal.

"He could have got to a titanium shell, the ops booth wasn't the only indestructible place in the building.  We won't know for sure, until we complete the excavation.  But it'll be best not to get your hopes up."

Artemis decided to interrupt this morbid conversation line.

"So what's a Daemon?

Grub looked around, he didn't dare question the new commanders decisions. 

"Um, daemons are like goblins in that they can conjure fire, but the main differences are that they have fiery red skin, and can teleport.  They are also more intelligent, but still remain only a nuisance.  They teleport around the outskirts of the city asking to hear the 'best song in the world.' If no such song is produced they teleport the offender to the magma vents.  Though they say they eat their soul.  Though we've long since established their favourite song, and if they are provided with a headset, they'll no longer be a pest, and just sit listening to music all day."

"So what is the 'greatest song n the world'?"

"Well it's a bit embarrassing really, they didn't do this so often until around the 1960's and a couple visited the surface.  They heard a song called Louie Louie by a band called the Kinks.  It's become their holy song."

"Are these the creatures humans have mistaken for devils?"

"Got it in one."

"Ahem, Lance-corporal Kelp?"

"Yes Ma'm?"

"Have the rest of the day off, go to an open pub or something, if you go o the 'Blue Dolphin', tell Bob the barman that I said you could put a couple of drinks on my tab."

"Thanks Holly, um, commander, I mean acting.  But um, I want to help look for my brother."

"Grub, that was an order, your emotionally fragile right now, if you see anything that could upset you such as dead bodies, any dead bodies, you might go into post traumatic stress.  The rulebook calls for me to send you home with a sedative, but since your apartments were in the police plaza, I'm sending you to get pissed in my pub, and sleep in one of the rooms there, got it?"

"Yessir, I mean Ma'm, but surely…"

"The citizens of Haven are helping, corporal, I am giving you an order, now go!!"

Grub span on his heel, dismissing himself, then ran towards the city centre.

"Lets go find Foaley.  I have a feeling I've heard of these trolls before."

"Are you sure Artemis?"

"Yeah, Root said you needed my help, so help I will, and when Domovi and Juliet have had their minds restored, bring them to the ops-booth."

"Er, Artemis."

"Yes holly?"

"I'm officially, um, deputising you, Butler and Juliet, the LEP needs as many hands as they can find, and since well…"

"Since Butler can probably shift most of this building by himself."

"Yeah, if anyone asks, you are an acting-lieutenant, answerable only to me. The same goes for Butler and Juliet, but they're only privates got it?"

"They answer to only me, actually."

"Yeah, but you answer to me, lieutenant Fowl, I don't have a badge for you right now, but I'm sure Foaley will give you his old one."

"His what?? I thought he was only a consultant?  Is there something you aren't telling me Holly?  Holly?  Commander?"

The elf just smiled and strode towards the dome-like shape of the current police headquarters.


	6. A mysterious man

Yeah I don't own Louie Louie or tribute or the kinks, or arty fowl, sozz forgot to do the disclaimer last time. Any way as you may have guessed louie louie tis me fave song me=sad  
  
Any way, here's the next chappie I think I may accentuate the cross over now, (accentuate means make bigger, wow I used a posh word) So here come the stars  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Lieutenant Artemis entered the ops-booth looking a little shaky.  
  
"So, Foaly, what do you know about these trolls?"  
  
"Huh, nothing, apart from the fact they're made out of stone."  
  
"Anything we could use to find everyone?"  
  
"Yeah, a new commander, Holly's alright, but she was never trained for the post. Trouble Kelp was Rooots set replacement. Oh yeah, just remembered."  
  
Foaly tossed Artemis a shiny badge, it was lieutenant, (?) class.  
  
"What's the question mark for? And since when were you a lieutenant, I thought you were just a consultant."  
  
" Didn't Commander Short tell you, each commander of the LEP, is allowed to have a small task force, of approximately 5 people, they are answerable to know one but that commander, and are higher ranking than other fairies of the same rank, if you see what I mean. I used to be Root's lieutenant, then he promoted me to captain, Root didn't find anyone to fill my old position, so I hung onto my old badge."  
  
"Why didn't you take command then?"  
  
"Not allowed to, when the commander retires or leaves for some reason, their special command loses their position and perks, unless they are members of the real LEP as well. So I'm a civilian until Holly reinstates me. That was how I managed to get the Ops Booth built to my paranoid specifications. You are now part of Holly's secret service. Have fun."  
  
The current commander came in.  
  
"Oh and Foaly?"  
  
"Yes Ma'm?"  
  
"Your reinstated in my S S, though you are only a lieutenant. I don't think either you or Fowl should be able to command the other. Artemis keeps the badge cos otherwise he wont be able to get anything done, everyone knows I'd never get rid of you Foaly. And don't worry because though you aren't at your old rank, I'm the only one left whos higher than you 2."  
  
"Yes Ma'm."  
  
"Any difference of opinion, you come to me for the final decision."  
  
"Yes commander."  
  
"Yes Holly."  
  
Holly wheeled around.  
  
"Fowl you're in the LEP now, I am your superior officer, and you shall address me as such until I say otherwise.  
  
She turned around and walked out.  
  
Foaly muttered to Artemis,  
  
"She's beginning to sound more like Julius every minute."  
  
"I heard that!!!!!"  
  
Came Hollys voice from outside.  
  
******  
  
(Outside)  
  
She hadn't of course, but as soon as she said what she did, Holly had known what was coming; she grabbed the better of the two sets of wings and strapped them on.  
  
~Frond, I can't cope with this shit~  
  
She thought as she took off.  
  
~I need Root back, or at least someone to make the tough decisions, someone used to command. ~  
  
Holly flew to the tunnel entrances to Haven, supervising the lock-down, she couldn't let the trolls escape. The lesser LEP stations in the other cities could handle themselves for now.  
  
(The current LEP headquarters)  
  
"Are you sure Foaly?"  
  
"Its worth a try, but if it works it'll only work once, so we better get on to Holly about it first."  
  
"Agreed."  
  
The two walked out into the relativily fresh air of haven.  
  
Captain Vein shouted to them as they strode off looking for Holly.  
  
"She's gone to oversee the closing of the tunnels."  
  
Foaly stopped,  
  
"There's only one way to make sure we make it to the gate in time."  
  
"Um, I get to fly? No wait, it would take to long for me to learn how."  
  
"Right, you need to ride me. Don't worry, I'm more comfortable than a horse."  
  
Artemis climbed onto Foalys back.  
  
"Um, is this the first time you've done this?"  
  
Foaly took off at a canter and Artemis had to hold onto his chest tightly.  
  
"Err, not personally."  
  
He leapt over some fallen wreckage, almost causing the mud-boy to fly off.  
  
"But I know someone who has and it didn't do him any harm."  
  
"That's good to know, ow from your point of view."  
  
Foaly leapt over another piece of wreckage and they arrived at the tunnel entrance, Holly was just about to fire up her wings.  
  
"What are you two doing here?" She asked.  
  
Artemis jumped off Foaly's back. He explained while Foaly got his breath back.  
  
"I know you're missing commander Root, to be honest all of us our, and I can tell you seem to be having some difficulty with the command role."  
  
"Hmph."  
  
Foaly carried on the explanation.  
  
"Well I've found a way, with a little help from Artemis, how we can get you an advisor, a man who's dealt with these things before, a man who's had experience in command."  
  
"Really and who is this elf?"  
  
"It's not an elf, nor a sprite nor a goblin."  
  
"As much as we could use the help, we don't want another mud-man down here."  
  
"Well technically he's not a mud-man, he's not even from this plain of existence. But once he's here the process is irreversible."  
  
Artemis chimed in: "You might even say he's an ink man."  
  
"I'll fly you two back to the booth, you can explain more fully there, strap yourself to my moon-belt"  
  
The geniuses did as they were told and Holly was soon up in the air, headed towards the LEP headquarters.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
(Welcome back to L-space)  
  
Sorry, but this cliff-hanger was too juicy to pass up on, and I really should do some work sometime. Come my muses.  
  
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH  
  
*Standard puff of smoke appears and the author + muses disappear, leaving you with one exit: the review button. * 


	7. A boat wreck

(L-space)

Well, I guess it weren't as obvious as I thought, oh well

Boo: come on Bob this is your part, I've been doing the rest of this story, get off ur lazy ass

Bob: *Yawn* fine, fine, I spose this is my area of expertise, so lets go.  You guys know the deal, I own non of the books used in the creation of this fanfiction.  Oh and this bit is first person, so that clears up that misunderstanding

* * *

(Unknown)

I am writing this diary, because I don't want to forget why I am here, why I can not get back, ha, why I never left.

The dwarves were sailing me back to civilization, away from that accursed war, in a few days I'd be home with my family, then all of a sudden there was a large wave which came up the tunnel, the boat shook, throwing me out, a box came over the side hitting me on the head, and I lost all consciousness.

Next thing I recall I was lying in a bed, still beneath the ground, I could see the rock above me, and my neck wouldn't move when I tried to look around, it felt weird, my brain was telling me I was moving my neck,  and yet I wasn't.  I sat up, or rather, didn't, no matter how hard I tried, my body just wouldn't listen.

I lay there for, I don't know how long, eventually my ears started working.

"There, he should have auditory capacity now."

"So he can hear us?"

"That's what I said, mud maid."

The voices were hazy, indistinct; the first one sounded like a wizard, well Ponder Stibbons, any way, and I kept expecting him to… Whiney? The second sounded like an average Morporkian teenage girl, but with a bit of a bite, the kind of the tone Angua uses when Cheri is explaining something complex.  Best not to threaten this one.

"Why couldn't we of brought a hero?"

This was the 'mud maid' again.  Then a new voice entered my ears, an unusually well spoken one, whose mere existence seemed to summon forth a whole range of complexities.

"We only had the one volume."

God help me, a bloody intellectual.

My nose started working, I could tell right away this wasn't Ankh Morpork.  It didn't smell like anywhere I'd been before, everything smelt so… sterile, apart from a slight stench of horses.

"Artemis I don't think that an accident in the tunnels was a good idea.

The intellectual caused my capsize? Probably a wizard.  Oh what I'd give to be able to move my boy and give him a sharp kick in the nadgers [1].  Though for all I know, I could be there right now.

"He needed to have a logical reason for being here.  He needed something, and a mysterious accident is a well known literary device used to transport adventurers to an unknown place."

Bloody hell fire, someone with 'a quest.'  

Yes, I can move my elbow slightly; soon I'll be the one in charge.

Another female voice entered my earshot.

"So your saying you pulled him out of this book?"

She asked, definitely another Angua.

"Yeah, I analysed his personality based on the writings, and downloaded it into a semi-organic mind."

I can't of been the only one who understood this so he explained.

"A body that's part robot, part human, and no Juliet, I haven't been grave robbing, we've been artificially growing body parts for some time now, this is just a larger version, and it's shaped itself to what he thinks he looks like."

"Why isn't his body working well?"

One of the females must be a mind reader.

"Um, well, ah, the robotic parts are taking some time to establish connections with the biological parts.  But the bad news is, I can't bring anyone else out."

"Huh?"

Everybody apart from the smart guys was confused at this point, myself included.  Other the next coming days, I began to get used to a permanent state of confusion.

"It is to complex a procedure, in most books a character is not described anywhere near as much as they need to be to have their personality transcribed.  We had to back up some of the holes in his memories and personality with stuff off a human website called fanfiction net."

"That and Foaly's machine broke down when it finished downloading his brain."

"My machine was perfectly fine, it just um, I can't try it again because I might cause a rip in reality."

Oh those, the wizards at the U U are always causing those.

"What do you mean?"

Asked a woman, I managed to move my neck slightly, she looked like a dwarf.

"Well its like, bringing a life from a different dimension, it could cause a mass flooding of literary personalities!  Walls between dimensions breaking to the ground!!!"

"Calm down Foaly, you're multiple exclaiming."

This guy Foaly was obviously paranoid.  Unfortunately at this point I fell asleep.

* * *

(Somewhere underground)

I woke up, 

I could move, my body had finished 'connecting' or whatever.

I looked around out of the corners of my eyes; the dwarf was sitting behind a box with a centaur.  When he spoke I knew it was called Foaly.

"The cities locked down, all elves have left the city, and the trolls are at present, in the north west quadrant of the city."

Ah, they had a problem with elves; well it was either them or the trolls.  The Arch-chancellor once told me about elves, "sing to them," he said.  "Those buggers can't sing, so it fascinates them, keep singing and then when they're fully engrossed, kick 'em in the nuts with iron capped boots."

I looked around, Artemis and the girl weren't there.

I quickly jumped up, grabbed a crossbow that was resting on the table, kicked the dwarf away from the desk, and pointed the crossbow at the centaur's eyes.

Well, that's how I planned it would go, instead I:

Lurched of the bed, grabbed at the table near by, but without the presence of a familiar weapon, I tried to quietly pick up the chair, but it was stuck to the floor.  So I wobbled over to the desk, punched Foaly, and kicked the dwarf.

I fell over.

"Wo whe fwuble ah oo?"

My mouth still wasn't working properly.  So I did what any reasonable man would do when confronted with weird technology firing at him.  I passed out.

* * *

Bob: and that's the end of that chapter.

Boo: my Artemis Fowl is way better than your Discworld any day.

Me: that's enough, stop fighting.  Now I bet you can't guess who the mystery person is.

Boo:  I know its *gets muffled by Bob* kafwubblefwubble plobplob.

Me: see you next chapter, which non of us is posting until I get more reviews, oh and you readers are going to be trapped here in L-space until you review. 

Mwahahahahhahahahahhahahahah

*disappears in a puff of smoke.*


	8. Drunk dwarves

(L-space)

 Sorry for the delay guys and gals, I just could not be perturbed.

Boo:  He's been using the thesaurus again; he means he can't be arsed.

Thanks for that Boo, anyway here you go:

__________________________________________________________

(E1, Haven station)

The shuttle landed, and the pilot opened the doors.  There was a whoosh of, well it _looked _like smoke, and something shot through the doors, with a gorilla of a man holding onto the back of it.

            The ape-man dug his heels in as the stream of gas subsided, and the small hairy creature that the cloud had produced from smiled gingerly.

"Sorry, I forgot to tell you how I get at sudden landings."

The ape-man spoke to the diminutive LEP officer standing there:

"You'll never guess who I found, drunk, halfway out of the floor in the wine cellar."

"You shouldn't of smashed that bottle of port, Domovi, it must have made the clay alcoholic."

The dwarf farted again, though this time it had little power and said: "hell yeah"

"But Mr Johnson would have got you if I hadn't shoved that bottle into his face."

The small police officer pondered this for a moment and said; " I still think you should have chosen Australian wine."

"No, the neck splinters too easily.  Anyway, how have you been down here?"

Artemis stepped out of the shadows, a vampirish grin on his face. "Fine, my dear Butler, fine, just fine."

"Has Holly punched you yet?"

"No, and its commander Short, unless you want to be the one on carrot detail.  Foley still goes through them like Juliet at that wrestling competition."

Butler laughed at this; "I suggest we get this thief to the commander, I'm sure some deal would be made for his assistance."

" Me to, me to, one slight problem though…" Mulch landed on his feet as Butler dropped him, "I'm legit now, so there's nothing you can do to make me break the law."

"Au contrair mon petit ami, I was t he one who had your conviction, undone, so unless you want the dear commander finding out about this, you'll do exactly as I say."

"Basterd."

"And I know exactly who my father is thank you very much."

Mulch, heard only by Butler muttered, as they headed towards the terminal; "Oh, really?"

Unseen by Artemis, Butler turned red.

__________________________________________________________

(L-Space)

well, wasn't that a surprise, I'll probably update sooner next time, but chow for now.

*Me and all but one of my muses disappear in a puff of funny smelling smoke*

Boo: Your stuck in L-space till u review fools.

*Boo disappears as well. *


End file.
